• Revising one body paragraph

I expanded on the point about Bell employees and tried to add powerful examples of the stress that they face.

Speaking of Instagram, it is most likely that your feed has once been invaded by reposts of Bell’s famous mental health campaign Let’s Talk. According to Kyle Dewsnap, the campaign successfully raises funds for mental health initiatives, but does not reduces the prejudice regarding those affected by mental illnesses. He makes another interesting remark in his article by saying that “Unfortunately, being ‘aware’ of this issue isn’t going to stop the discrimination that people with mental illness face.” Yet, this isn’t the only problem that Bell faces with the campaign. As someone who uses social media daily, this made me reflect on the utility of the posts that I see. I kept wondering if the people behind campaigns like this one actually support the cause that they present. An article by CBC gave me what I was looking for, and the doubt that I had only grew bigger. Bell employees would face anxiety because of high sales targets imposed by managers. The allegations made by more than 600 people are disturbing and include medical interventions. Fearing that speaking out could affect their employment, some still revealed their identity to CBC like Jessica Beliveau, who said that she was “on the verge of panic attacks.” Dan Breffitt, who was sent to the hospital due to anxiety, said that “there wasn’t an hour in the day where I wasn’t worrying about how I was going to meet all the expectations at work.” Even worse, another employee shared that the stress was so overwhelming that he was throwing up blood. Although these allegations only comprise a minority of workers, they are worth looking at and raise another question; do awareness campaigns actually make a difference?

• Rewriting the Lead

Instead of writing about me watching a scene from a documentary, I described the scene.

Pieces of ice float in the water as if they were little boats traveling in the ocean. With a gun in hand, a man patiently waits along with a young boy. The man lies flat on the snow and gets ready. Pow. The young boy seems excited and the man slowly gets up. In a small boat, he comes closer to his prey. He then takes a heavy grey seal out of the water with his bare hands. Back on the snow, the man cuts the skin with a knife and eats a little piece of raw meat. A bloody process. His hands covered in red, he can now leave with the boy, satisfied.